I've decided that if I ever had a stand up comedy act, I could make an entire act based on my grandparents and the adventures I tend to have with them. We all know Grandma Mickey, right? She's way crazy, I think she's got some dimentia going on and some good old narcisistic personality traits, and she loves when people pity her and hates... well, everyone (except her favorite "baby Ben" my uncle, but I think she kind of hates him too.) Anyhow, me and Andrea went to the Richfield Walmart to get some clothes and stuff with Andrea's gift card, and who should be there but the lovely and talented "G. Mick" who was at the mart in search of a new broom, which she never got, because she could just get one at the hardware store, and one at wal mart might break. In fact, she never bought anything, we suspect that she hangs out in stores like wal mart so she can see people she knows and make them her awkward conversational victims. And that's what I got to be! We were just picking out clothes, when she made her swoop. Andrea was blind sided, but I saw her first and got to do a round of the section before I went to exchange pleasantries. So we said Hi, had the usual Grandma conversation (weather, holidays, how I'm feeling) and she left to get her broom.Then we finish and proceed to the dressing rooms, and she comes back and is like, "well, can I visit with you for a minute?" um, yeah, grandma, I can't exactly say no. So while Andrea finishes trying on her clothes I have to think of things to say to her, and she's so hard to talk to because I know whatever I say she will misconstrue and spread around town what a whore i am or how snobby I am, or just wierd, which I don't care if the people of Aurora, Utah think I'm a wierd, snobby whore, but It makes it hard to think of things to say. Backto the story: the dressing rooms are right across from the lingerie department, which department apperantly horrifies my Grandma. We were right across from the large bra's that are all fancy and sexy. And she says, "are those real bra's?" and I say, "um, yeah..." here's the rest of the talk: Her: "well, they sure are big. and bright and colorful", me: "yeah, they are" her: "I can't imagine them making them so big! and why you'd want them so colorful." At this point I want to point out that some women actually do have big knockers, by choice or by nature, and those bra's are probably more for fun than for function, but I know that a comment like that will turn me back into Aurora Whore, so I don't say that. Here's more: Andrea: "Cynda, come look at this", my mind: "praise the Lord!" I go look at the outfit, and return to my doom. Grandma: "this is kind of an embarrassing place to stand", as she looks at a silky nightgown. Me: "I'm sure no one thinks you're shopping for yourself, grandma, and if they do, that's their problem." This comment will probably make me the snobby, rude, Aurora Whore, but, I can't edit everything! Grandma: "if you needed a bra that big, imagine the stress on your back" Me: "yep" Grandma: "My friend's daughter's were so big that she needed to get a surgury to make them smaller, because it was so bad for her back" me: "oh, I know Andrea's old room mate had to have her bra's special made because sttores didn't make them big enough. She was like an E cup or something." Grandma: "wow." Me:"I think she ended up having that surgury too" Grandma: "hmm." awkward silence. Then Andrea was FINALLY done. We went to pay, and Grandma went up front to wait for us, she didn't want to wait in line because she didn't have anything to buy. She just wanted to stand up front and wring her hands like a crazy little lady. So, we all left together, and tried to explain the concept of a gift card to her, I don't think she got it. No one should give her gift cards. We went towards our car and she explained to us that she parked clear back in the parking lot so she could get her exercise, even though we all know that she parks in the back of all parking lots so she can look for loose change people have dropped, somtimes she doesn't even go in a store she just walks the entire parking lot on her treasure hunts. And that was our fun encounter with Grandma.
For those of you who actually made it to the end of this blog, congratulations, and I don't want to be told I'm being a jerk, and I should consider myself lucky I even have a grandma, I already know this, and plus, If I didn't have grandma mickey in my life, I might have a higher self esteem, but I wouldn't get awesome psychotic experiences like this! This was a real crazy day!
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3 comments:
you have some wicked mad skills at the comedy. G Mick is an experience that would make you cry if you couldn't laugh. Thank heaven you were blessed with a fan_______tastic sense of humor. You are a delight.
Cynda you are so funny! Is this the same grandma that set an appointment for you with a professional bra fitter when you first came down to St. George? I remeber how sarcastic you were about that day.
Ah, how this experience has burned itself into my fragile brain! I'm glad we all enjoyed it as much as I did! And, no, this is not the same grandma that was concerned about my support issues, this is my other one. That's another thing that makes this so wierd, because I've already had an awkward bra experience with the other one too. It's a good thing I only have two grandma's! Who knows what else I would have to endure in the name of mammory glands!
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